Gym Douchi-ness

It’s my own fault. I,left the sheltered world of Crossfit, with it’s regimented class schedules, intense group work ethic and session efficiency. I must admit, I do miss some of that stuff. Being in the class, with a group of people all there for the same purpose and the same work out. No lack of equipment. After all, class sizes are based on how many racks, barbells, rowers etc. that the box has. I like the efficiency and singularity of purpose. No screwing around, all business.
Now in my self-imposed exile into the world of glob-gyms, I find myself frustrated. Constantly. First, why in the name of god, would anyone bring a gallon jug of water to the gym? Even if you were to drink the whole gallon, why a gallon jug? It is not for efficiencies sake, I can tell you that. Certainly, at some point in the 10 minutes you take between sets, when you are talking on your phone, talking with your bros, posting how you are “crushing it” to Facebook or taking selfies, you have time to walk the 30 or so feet to the drinking fountain and refill a normal size water bottle.

That brings me to my next point. Intensity. Or complete and utter lack thereof. I get it, aesthetics is what you are going for. Hence why you do not challenge your cardiovascular in any way during the course of your 9 sets of 7 different exercises. Any gym, no matter how big, only has so many benches, so many rigs, racks, etc. But show some consideration for the other 100 or so people that are in the gym.  Don’t camp out. Especially when you do more camping than actual working.  Here’s an idea: do your set, leave the gym, come back in 15 minutes, do your next one. While you are gone, I can do most of mine. Where did intensity go? I am not Jason Khalipa by any means, but don’t you think 10 minutes between sets is a little excessive in terms of recovery time? If you need ten minutes to do it again, it was too heavy for you the first time cupcake. It should not take you anymore than 10 minutes to three sets of anything. That includes the time to switch around the weights. Use that as your “recovery” time. The only exception to this is if you are setting the world bench press record, or something incredible. Not for 10 sets of 8 at 50%  of your 1 rm.

Next. Stay off me while I am lifting. Especially Olympic lifts. If you see someone setting up to apparently throw 215 into the air, why why would you chose that exact moment in time to scooch by them to grab another plate of the rack?  Unless you wanna play catch with it, wait till I am done. It’s like not bowling while the person in the lane next to you is. It’s consideration.

Third, wear a goddam towel in the locker room. I don’t care what kind of shape you are in. Wear a towel when you come out of the shower. Around your waist preferably. AROUND THE NECK, WHILE YOU SAUNTER AROUND FREE-SWINGING, DOES NOT COUNT.

Put the equipment back where you got it. I hate having to hunt around for stuff because you stole them off the neighboring rig and you are too self-involved or lazy to put them back when you are done.

If everyone behaved in the same self-absorbed, selfish behavior at the gym, in any given two hour period, the gym could only support 12-15 people. No one else would be able to do anything except sit around waiting for you to finish whatever the fuck it is your doing instead of exercising, and actually exercise. Each gym has hundreds of members, not just the chosen few….

And by the way, Adidas open-toe sandals with mid-calf back socks looks fucking stupid. I don’t know how you got past the gym staff with those, but you look stupid bro. I hope you drop that wight that you have been carrying around for ten minutes on your toe.

Next time, I will include actual pictures.You all know the type of people I am talking about. I know you have seen them.

In the name of equality, girls, you get yours next……


Wear a towel god damn it.


One thought on “Gym Douchi-ness

  1. A gallon jug of water weighs over eight pounds. Every time you lift that sucker to your lips, your grip improves.

    Some people are lifting weights against all odds, such as equilibrium issues, early onset multiple sclerosis, recovery from horrific car accidents or stroke, etc. Waiting for the bench or machine they’re on is a great time to do ab work, grip exercises (get a gallon water jug), Visual Motor Rehearsal, standing calf raises on stairs, etc.

    Next time sometimes invades your personal lifting space, mutter aloud, “God, I hope no one can smell my herpes cream.” No one will come within twenty feet of you for months, maybe even years.

    When towel-free guy swings by, compliment his penis while staring at it fixedly. Again, the avoidance will last for quite some time. Or he’ll buy you free drinks at the Pink Stallion, either way. Win, win.

    Another great grip exercise is picking up discarded weights and equipment left laying around. And the cool thing about human mirroring is that when other people see you doing it, they’ll do it more often.

    Finally, a fabulous way to burn off anger is outdoor cardio. Not only does it loosen you up and inject some fresh air into your system, it performs the public service of getting your grumpy ass out of the gym.

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